invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

all.turning.for.the.worse?

stumbled upon this while i was browsing through profiles of ex-Beattyians.

“Lollipops turn into cigarettes.
The innocent ones turn into sluts.
Homework goes in the trash.
Mobile phones are being used in class.
Detention becomes suspension.
Soda becomes vodka.
Bikes become cars.
Kisses turn into sex.
Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground?
When protection meant wearing a helmet?
When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties?
Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and Mom was your hero?
Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest.
War was only a board game.
And the only drug you knew was cough medicine.
The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees,
and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?
And we couldn’t wait to grow up?”
-Author Unknown

And so, Beckham's World Cup dreams are shattered.
.

Another one of those moments where you think you have it, only to have it robbed away from you in the end.

Why?

To test our strength in character.

To see if we deserve better...

(or at least, i'd like to see it that way)

:)

13,14 March

And so, here ends my Minor in Entrepreneurship course.
:)

its been a real bittersweet process.
but i appreciate it all the same.
wait.

IM supposed to be finishing my final reflections for the module.

and yet, here I am.
revisiting. revamping my blog. :)

I miss my entries.

.redha.
accepting that some things are not meant to be.

no matter how selfish we think we can be, some things are never meant for us.

.
im so looking forward to the walkabout photoshoot later. :)
.

and my photography business?

vavavoom.

lets go!
.

oh. is love for another enough to sustain a marriage?
is it all there is to it?
no.
hell no.

ure gaining much more than that.
u have His Love.
.

God, spare me all that is evil, and let me be near all that is good.

Amin.

:)

*beep*

...

*dialtone*

"hello... i wont talk to you right now, so leave me a message or an sms, and maybe ill get back to you..."

*beep*

...

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the state of my mind right now.

parts.of.influence

No matter how strong and right we think we are, the thing that still holds true and steady would be the fact that our weaknesses define us still.

It is the foundations that hold us to stand, and no matter how high our ego or success manage to reach, it would not be possible without them.

Different parts, acting in different roles.

For some we are strong, but in others we are weak.

...

...

A tribute to all who have made a major impact to the way I am.

Family - Over the years, they have embedded in me some of the more hard yet silent qualities. To know what is right and what is wrong. To know God. To know the meaning of responsibilities. To lead, by example. They provide the meaning of why i live. Not through explicit lessons, but rather through how we function, no matter how imperfect or flawed it might be through others' eyes.

Nyai & my late Yayi - Letting me have some leeway in reveling in both the consciousness of creativity and restrictions. Being my second set of parents in my earlier childhood.

Uncles & Aunts - Manja points, especially my Cik Mai. Window to conversations and public discourses.

Friends - Contributed to the Manifestations of my Being and Ideals. Providers, and Platforms. Pillars of support, and channels of the different polars of emotions, good or bad.

The Geng - Opened up my mind further to God and the meaning of love, siblinghood and family.

Nur - Accepted me as the way I am, both my flaws and weaknesses as they are. Loving, and supporting me. The one whom I find as company, and my critic. Another important manja point, but with her, Im more of the patient one. My fellow photography enthusiast. Hopefully, my future business partner. And definitely, my partner for life. :)

.
Thank you, one and all.

dramatic.mockery

Humans being social creatures, thrive on drama. Even when they do not need that in their lives.
The very act of being inflicted in the extreme ends, and the adrenaline flow of which it bellows by, thrills us.
We mock out of boredom, and we misplace seriousity onto the seemingly practical and urgent.
We play, out of sport, and we seek the high of watching the game.
We want trouble, and we revel in it.
Not just to ourselves, but even to those whom we are supposedly close to.
To be involved, reaffirms one's existence.
To be left out, tells of one's solitude, which at the current time, is unfashionable.
Some sway to the wind, without even knowing why.
And some reprimand others, for not going according to their ideals.
Do we even realise that the end will always be about kissing the dust?
That is lying in between the grimy and sticky surfaces of your toes.
Life is a joke, for some.
Life is a shithole, for others.
While the rest think that it is part of a bigger journey to somewhere better.

No one is sure, are we not?

We celebrate the existence of those we know, by their birthdays, or deathdays.
Random dates are made significant, just so we make ourselves feel grounded and sure.

.

Happy 23rd Birthday Rushdy.
I hope you get what you want. :)

.

For others, who are still fucked, and screwed, by whatever pawns and obstacles God decide to throw onto you, expect to be toyed around still.

At the end of it all, we are still fucked, and to those who thinks they know more and better,
GO FUCK YOURSELF.

:)

Good morning all.
hurr hurr hurr~

papa.kena.curik

27th March 2009

27/03/09
27 divide 03 equals to 09

.
ill not forget the night ever. :)

papa.jahat :P

.

.

oh.
and someone desperate took off with my camou-etnies yesterday.

:(

empty.vessel

"The empty vessel makes the loudest noise."

The conventional method of interpreting the social meaning of this phrase would to assume that the empty vessel refers to someone who has the minimum of substance, content or intellect.

Obviously, society has little tolerance for this group of people, and presumably so, views upon its views as unworthy or as "noise".

Those that are deemed less knowing, are thought of to be ones who always have things to say, but lack substantial claims.

Now, try twisting the peribahasa on itself, and look at it from an entirely different perspective.

The empty vessel is not some who is "stupid" but rather, someone who knows that he does not know.

He makes "noise", not because he has nothing good to say, but because he questions the things that he is not sure of, and sometimes, a seemingly innocent question will ruffle the nerves of those being questioned, because his answers would be a measure of his "intellect" and status.

Most of the time, people assume that they know everything, and the worse part is that, they would not admit that they do not know.

"Tak tau tanye, jangan bodoh sombong." (ask any of yr Malay speaking friends)

It is only by asking, that we know more.

Good morning. :)

fry.day

Friday.
The meaning of the phrase,"Thank God it's Friday" has been diluted tremendously for me, since the last few months.
I am spending my "Friday" in the 11th storey of the National Library, trying to make sense of the world.

Please... Unchain me. (to whoever or whatever)

...

Khairi so emo one. why ah?

i also dunno why, damnit.

satu.malam

a short, simple get-away.
to a world where the edges are rougher, and where order is given a thorough mocking.
tastes are much more down to earth, and they make do with less.
they strive to make it perfect, though it can be seen that no matter, it would always be otherwise.
much as how the reminders of an ambitious sprit lay in waste, frozen, against the backdrop of rolling hills of make-do slums.
cynicism of the human spirit can only sum up so far.
different faces, to the different boundaries set to them.

the first: the resigned.
think of those who force children to play the card of sympathy and compassion, in getting a few wads of handouts.

the second: chained, are those whose spirits are indeed trapped by their physical lackings.
think of blind mothers, led to live and move by their young sons.
think of those whose limbs are not there.

the third: optimists
think of the those who hold the positive spirit to go on and strive for betterment.
masseuses who went for training in foot reflexology.
buskers who entertain street diners, with the most sincerest of smiles and demeanour.

.

foot.reflexology seemingly doing wonders.
but is it?
after a prolonged session of pain, it is only logical that once it stops, the relief is quite magnified.

while we had fun,
someone somewhere couldnt sleep because someone is somewhere else.

:)

postin.settin.layou

was.finding.the.sun

one.image

my. love

i.want.to.be.free
.
no rules.
no restrictions.
unchained.
.
its no wonder Satan attracts us.

imagine yrself in a world without boundaries, to stand back on.

.
i want both worlds.
i want meaning. yet i abhor the limits it set.

.

lie.flirt.die

i found my dog-tag, while rummaging through my army duffel bag.

i was surprised to find that i was not at all surprised when i read the news about the second unnatural death that has happened in NTU within one week.

death, it seems, is becoming the easy way out for the desperate, or, perhaps, those with nothing to lose.

what might exactly be going on in their heads?

"too sad/desperate/sick to do anything else?"

.
death has become a trivial issue, and though it is something that all of us would inevitably face at the end of it all, some, sadly or otherwise, has decided to make death as an option.

.
we lie, because we care.
we lie, because we are polite.
we lie, because ... ... we do not have the guts to see our loved one... suffer. (infrontofus)

.
they flirt, because they can. ;)

.

he.hung.out.with.me

shy.sun

platter

timely.reminder

the following would be the the flow of topics that i managed to indulge in after my last graveyard shift, or minimally at least, things that i can still remember.
something to remind you, we, like it or not, tend to forget. and this does not only apply to the malays.

1. weight loss.
2. weight gain.
3. BMT.
4. course of study.
5. sociology.
6. why is it that when people queue up, they would have to follow so closely with the person in front?
7. why is there a garden right smack in the middle of KLIA, with rumours saying that it is a Keramat?
8. haunting experiences in the storeroom by mr shai.
9. BMT bunks having those amulets.
10. mr isa's bunk specially had real amulets of the major faiths in singapore.
11. the ghosts of Eagle Company.
12. Djins
13. Third Eye
14. Qarin
15. Djin Afrik (isit the right spelling?)
16. Djin - a race of creation that for them, death only happens when the world ends.
17. Djin - there are approximately 40 Djins to every human being.
18. Djin - Qarin. A Djin that is born to replicate you in the supernatural world. The only Qarin of a human that is Muslim is that of our Prophet pbuh.
    
19. Narration of the personal Mecca Incidences that happened to mr isa.
    
20. Discussion of how a man's measure of good deeds against his sins are unknown.
21. Story of the heavily sinned man who made the trip to another city, in order to repent, but died along the way, and how we was measured. distance covered in journey was used as a measure for him. Allah is Merciful.
    
22. "Who are your brothers?" - a question that is asked to the dead man in his grave - indicating the importance of others other than yourself in this world. it also indicates our purpose and reason for being alive on this earth. and that is to perform our roles as the khalifahs (leaders) of the whole of creation and amongst ourselves.
23. Balance of the pursuing of both the spiritual and the worldly is important.
24. In the days that you live, act as if that youre going to die tomorrow.
25. Change, even though a must, should not be immediate. gradual change is encouraged. while slow, it is more lasting in effect.
26. never act when ure angry. what was said and done when ure angry, was not said and done by u per se, but was whispered into by those that is directed to sway us. remain calm.

...

thank u, bro isa.

why?

as much as how we regularly hear someone say that we learn better about ourselves and others when we ask questions,

who'd admit that they had actually thought about it.

.

the white rabbit in us keeps going into the hole, that we refuse to go back and see the light at the entrance, or at least, get out to see how the entrance of the hole look like.

or what is lying just beside the hole.

ask.
and ask further.

u'd be surprised with how much power a solo syllable word which is "why" can do for you.

its 610pm. and i shud get back going home.

im working the graveyard shift tonight.
.

now. where is my spade.

.

Oh, and Nur my love...
Yesterday was one of my most enjoyable moments with you.

Really.
And thats all that i want to say.

:P

identified.citizen

So much for building a "Singaporean identity"...

I do not believe in letting our aged parents live out the rest of their shriveled and shrunken lives in the care of outsiders from their own immediate offspring.

This is of course, refering to the comment made by the one responsible in overseeing healthcare issues for CITIZENS of Singapore.

While my own moral grounding and socialization processes has led me to adopt such an attitude, i do not find it a worthwhile burden in imposing such a view on others, in view of the fact that in this country, diversity of thought and social attitudes are best dealt with in the basis of mutual respect and tolerance.

What i wish to bring up here, is in fact, not something which occured to my grey matter on its own, but rather by the mention of a lecturer of mine, on the concept of NATION-STATE.

To put it simply for the sake of convenience and to avoid heavy reading, the deal between a CITIZEN, and the STATE is such that both parties are in a position of reciprocal exchange. While one party gives something, the other party should give something else in return.

If not, what is the point of persuading Singaporeans to retain the red passport instead of any other colour?

Thanks to my lecturer, the concept of the nation-state and the citizen has been subtly made into an unintended farce unknowingly by the one who made the comment of suggesting that those who wish to put their parents in a nursing home to do so across the ancient Causeway instead of Singapore if they deem that it is too expensive to do so.

Figures mentioned in the press identified the cost to be half of putting them in a local nursing home. Does that justify the suggestion to the citizen to go somewhere else for a service which his own home country can provide?

To apply this to another situation, imagine the country which you have worked so hard for through the paying of taxes, or by going through the mandatory military training in the name of "Total Defence", is to announce that if youre too poor to get a decent education in Singapore, then go somewhere else to get one because youre not worth the effort. Luckily, the situation has not reached to that level. But lets not be too surprised if one day that is to happen.

Obviously, it would be quite an impossible task to measure meal by meal the individual reciprocation processes out there to ascertain if it is equal. But in suggesting that we go somewhere else to get something which some people find is a need, it would make them think twice of letting themselves be "contracted" to an entity for the rest of their lives. Perhaps in the long-term, the intelligent ones would just leave and settle elsewhere instead, which would leave the country facing a brain drain.

I cannot help but to feel that they have indeed envisioned this to happen, and that is why, we have in recent times experienced the presence of foreigners being increased in our everyday lives. They are doing so much to attract all these "talented and cheap" people in, that lesser is being done to make those who have already contributed so much to the country from going out.

Go "Global", they say. But please, not at the expense of the locals.

But then you might want to rebut,"Get real boy. It is every man for himself out there. Do not expect the government to do everything for you.." The concept of "survival of the fittest" rules the roost... yada yada yada.

This sort of thinking will only encourage more individualism thinking amongst us, and in the long run, nothing is worth defending for, other than the stash of material things you have, in the name of comfort for yourself and your brood, and not for others, who might be in a more strangled state. Being selfish will be the norm, and at the end of it all, life as we know it will be more f***ed than ever.

.
Oh. And i still hold this view. One day, Singapore can only be inhabited by those who are rich, as long as the people that fills the highest governing offices adopt this mentality.

.
ok2. enuf of this talk. lets move on to something else.

.
I had a blast of a time walking in a heavy downpour just now, right in the middle of decently constructed nature, no less. Without an umbrella or a poncho.

I felt at one, with nature. Even though the pair of pair of jeans doubled its weight because it soaked up too much water, and that my bag got drenched, along with every thing inside except my lappie (amazingly).

I cannot forget the boyish and childlike feeling, of having water flowing down the hill, going against my uncovered foot.

yeah yeah. childish, u say.

let me just say this: i grab the little things while i still can, lest one day i will be too focused on the big things to notice them.

.

its been a while since ive seen nur. hmm. wait. its only been two days. and already, i miss her like crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. how. how???!!!

tahan lorh.

. i cant wait for the next time where i can just be by her side.

:) aah.

aikido.fan

A very dear friend of mine, whom ive known for about 8 years now, has reached the age of a quarter of a century today.

His name is Suhaimi, and he lives very near from me.

Though it has been quite a while since we last hanged out regularly, due to our other commitments, due to an impromptu whim on my part, we spent the first few ungodly hours having a stroll in yishun park.

Yeah. People who know me should know by now, how forgetful i am with dates, and birthdays.

Guess it was a pure stroke that i chose today to spend a little bit of time with you, on your birthday, no less.

This may not be much, but just know that its been great having you around in my life, and i appreciate all the memories we shared together, be it in school or wherever.

:)

Happy Birthday... tua!
:P

why.so.serious

laughing is supposedly good for us.
it brings the happiness, or excitement within us, to more climactic display, where others can see, and hopefully join u in the act.
some view it as a form of pressure reliever, while others think that laughing is the link for two persons of different worlds to bond together without the help of language.
its good and all, especially when ure indulging in a series of laughters.
for those particular minutes or seconds, life seems to be good, and everything is well.

but what happens after the laughs.
certainly u do not expect the laughs to go on and on.

mr bean. we laugh at his stupidity, and his apparent idiocy in situations.
but what are we really laughing at?

we laugh because deep inside our consciousness, through mr bean, there is someone out there who is a worse fool than ourselves. we revel in that perception, and thus, the laughter is a self-confirmation of that very notion.

absurd jokes. intellectual jokes. sex jokes. racial jokes. stereotypical jokes.
.

.if you want to, the next time after you had a hearty laugh, try to conceptualise the specific feeling which came after that laughter.

after a while, things do not seem to be so funny after all.

the.thumbs

HI! I am Mr Thumb. "Thumb" with a "th~". Not "TAM". okay? I am at Woodlands Causeway Point right now, waiting for my sayang so that we can catch Underworld: Rise of the Lycans for the 2nd time. yes. the 2nd time. the first time, the movie stopped halfway for us, due to a sound glitch, resulting in Viktor having an extra-deep voice.

Hi! Obviously, im Mrs Thumb. Have you seen my dearie hubby to be? *giggles*. in the previous picture, he was standing where im currently standing at, but he seem to have disappeared. oh no! whatever could have happened to him?
Together: FINALLY! *hugs*
Mr Thumb : Love, why are your lips looking so succulent today?
Mrs Thumb : Are you complaining? Or...
Mr Thumb: NO . NO. actually... I LOIKE! :P
Mrs Thumb: Stop it eh! Miang pulak dia menjadi.! Sayang, what is wrong with your tongue? It has been dangling since the first frame!
Mr Thumb: Entah. My creator thought it would be "cool" perhaps.
Mrs Thumb: OKay2! Come lets go watch the movie!
Mr Thumb: YES MA'AM! yabadabadoo!

Creator of Mr and Mrs Thumb. She goes by the monicker, PUS.

The arm belongs to her love, who goes by the monicker TEK. Due to security reasons, their full names will not be disclosed here.

...

Vampires. Werewolves. Lycans.
figures of the imagination streams in the human consciousness.
reflecting on the faintest images from actual experiences, resulting in folk-tales.

Vampires.
as a child, i had fantasies of becoming one.
frequently imagined myself feeding on blood off a damsel who has fallen in love with me.
immortality, yet only existing under the hood of the moonlight.

somethings to be pondered, or for mere records actually.

- Possession of Knowledge facilitates in the manipulation of Power.
- Freedom to... do desirable things . Freedom from... the undesirable things.
- Shyness is a form of self-imposed prison.
- When rationality and reason wears out, the only thing that keeps us going is Faith.
- Philosophy should be made a compulsory subject in schools.


.
nowadays, my eyes automatically try to shut themselves out the moment i try to read something from my modules' reading lists.

helep.

very.short.post

i was happy,
looking at how ecstatic she was when i presented her Eclipse.

:)

guess that is all there is.
for now

time.space

the concept of time and space kept playing around in my head at random points of the day. theyre inter-related, linked by the notion of speed.

im not thinking so much of the quantum physics and the maths behind it all, but rather more on a personal and social level.

before, the notion of time is not much of a big deal in ancient societies, where the measurement of time is only defined by the position of the sun and the moon, and it only mattered during the different parts of the day, when conditions change. its warmer during the afternoon, and during the night, prey and predator switch amongst themselves in the chasing tango for food and maybe later a siesta to digest it all. now though, it is so much different, where as we grow older, we develop for ourselves more things to do, be it in the form of hobby or work, just so that we attain that dream of retiring in comfort. but by whose rules? of course, the rules are set by those that have the legitimacy to command, especially the ones holding the carrots that are dangled in front of us in this seemingly hectic hare-race.

the general feeling most of us have is that there is too little time, for too many things to do.

space. the gap that fills the separation of an atom from another. we strive to keep changing the environment, while trying to have everything much more accesible to us. now, within days, u can get yrself a claypot made in india, if u noe where and how to get it. smaller space, more things to do.

time, and time again.
the clock keeps on ticking. while we rush ourselves mad.
and for what?
because work makes a man?
.
what the hell is the rush for?

.
maybe life is nothing when we do nothing.

.
nothing. how does the concept of nothingness exist?
.



.
this blog is going nowhere.

.
i cant remember much more of what in the blue hell i was pondering abt earlier in the day.

but , somehow, the following term in me, is quite stuck in my head for tonight.

.

"anything can happen."

for all the plannings, and the dreams.
at the end of the day, what happens next is quite uncertain, perhaps as much as the rolling of dices, or the shuffling of cards.

we will never know what the settled surface will lay out for u once the dust settles down.

.there are those who belong to either the red or black families of the deck. either with particular beliefs or attitudes.
.
the joker aint one of them.

.
he muses.
and he makes fools out of us.
and yet he does not know more.

yet. he is wise.

the wisest is one who realises that he does not know.
the most foolish is one who thinks that he knows everything.

bye.
bye bye.

gasolina~

everything is slowly becoming a blur. time seems to get a life of its own, and my grip on affairs is loosening.

these are just some of the things which i vaguely remember.
i think someone has been putting ants into the things i eat.

28th Jan 2009, Wed - met up with yasmin ahmad for an interview for MS' publication with kak aisyah. keep a look-out for it. . ouh. on that day, was told of an E471, and controversial ingredient it contained. from now on, i would not drink caramel macchiato, or caramel frappucino.

30th Jan 2009, Fri - Uneventful store meeting and later on had our very own Family Reunion with "The Geng" at Holland Village Starbucks. Had a major talk with Bro Afiq, which cleared up the silence of the egos between us both. There is no need for any explanation. All that matters is that The Geng is complete.

31st Jan 2009, Sat - Watched "The Reader" with my love at Great World City. It explored the notion of 'Guilt' of individuals, relating to the wider theme of a post-war effect. Despite the nudity onscreen, it got two thumbs up from my love. :)

1st Feb, Sun - Worked the opening shift, before i went for an Alterisk meeting.

2nd Feb, Mon - Appudurai's reading presentation.

3rd Feb, Tue - Lutfi's tuition appointment.

.
so. yeah. that is all.
.
oh. and i get to meet my only love .


.
my only love.


.
and tts all that matters.

silent.goodbyes

goodbyes which seem to be part of a ritual as a full certainty, like the sun rising back in the east after taking its nap in the far horizon, have this habit of putting us into a false sense of security, that the person who we have bade farewell to, will always return.

a disadvantage of living far away from those who matter to you is that whenever you return, you will always have to anticipate the time when u haf to go back to the place you call home. you know u dont wanna go, but you also know that due to whatever reasons, you cant stay.

over time, of coz, it will turn into a ritual, but yet, everytime when the time comes to say goodbye and the well-wishes, we cringe. big time. especially if the person going/left behind, is very close to you.

the tears will be replaced by unnatural controlled smiles, and silence, which sadly forms the bluff that we deceived ourselves with.

it happening over and over repetitively, even it has done so from the beginning of our awareness of the world, do not mean it will necessarily and surely happen again the next time.

even the rising and the setting of the big yellow ball.

recorded

the problem with everything is that our reality is only constructed through records, made in the medium of photos, videos, texts and graphics.

"photos do not tell the whole story."

thing is, they are as easily mouldable as play-do, as perfectly crafted as to how the creator sees fit.

history is written by the victors, and losers gets to bite the dust, paralysed from telling the rest who didnt get to watch what happened, what really "happened".

the dominant force, maintains it supremacy to ensure its participants willingly support it, by constantly feeding them the propaganda and "truths" of what is supposed to be, and what is supposed to be not.

some who decide to be critical, ends up being lost, because they can never be sure of what to believe in, checking for the source and the presumed reliability that each name brings.

while the lamb heeds to the call of the shepherd dog, the oppressed cow or chicken inside feedlots continue to be mistreated by the very hands that slaughter them the next day, or are they?

oppressed from the watching eye, but in their minds, do they feel like theyre being oppressed? heck. they would think its normal, and would have no qualms about.

false consciousness, the watching eye concludes. but under whose hood does the watching eye looks from?

questions. questions.

the past? did it exist?
certainly the past no longer exist.

but how do we ever prove the past was ever there in the 1st place?
by recording it.

but who is recording it?
under whose interest?

the only saving remark for the aimless wandering ponderings would be, the only truth would be the Holy Book given by Him.

woah!

almost nothing amazes me in school nowadays.
i miss the days when i would go "woah" after hearing something which simply blows my mind away.
"red pills", i would refer to them as.

i thought i will never get enough of them.
somehow rite now, i thought wrong.

not to say that im already enlightened or such, but the thing that i look so much forward to in school is no longer there.

yes. perhaps now its all about going deeper into theories, and looking at them at more specific, point by point examples.
almost to the point of narration and regurgitation.

is it any more possible to get a more general underlying observation from the things im currently learning?.

aah. perhaps my sceptism is too early, i must say.
its been like what, only 2 weeks into the semester?

by the way, these are the modules that im taking:
Sociology of Emotions (non-expressive)
Sociology of Food (wordy)
Understanding Statistics (numbers, and more numbers. i so love numbers.)
Understanding Globalisation (soothing voice. a mess.)
Cognitive Linguistics (...)
Digital Lifestyle (i will be giving the lecture slides to my parents)

uninteresting?
.

readings are killers too. why cant they all write in direct simple english? i am a lil allergic to the wordy and complex-structured ones, in that my eyes would juz shut itself out into places where id rather be.

there is something wrong with my right heel. the pain come and go, but it is still there nevertheless.

the only things that im looking forward to now in school are the people whom i know and talk to in school.
be it random things, like jokes or observations. or whatever.

and MS, of course. if you (whoever you may be), hadnt known, im involved in MS projects right now, and they are ELEVEN (a quarterly published magazine), and Alterisk (a kids' camp).

though the meetings are there, sometimes, late into the night, this time round, im feeling a much better vibe in regards to these two.

To take from my past experience, its safe to say that im becoming much more patient, and likeable.
.
though i get to know more people in school, im sad to see some of my existing bunch on a less regular basis.

one of them managed to change area of study altogether, and the only one whom im hanging out regularly with would be the ones who live near to me.

i miss playing squash, or badminton, for that matter.

i need to work out, and i really feel like im gaining weight.
man.

ouh. and i really think the reason why this post exist is because i wanna avoid this special someone who would ask, "biler nak update? tak habis2 tu zesty!"

hehe

yes. ive been spending loads of time with her.
though at times when we are apart, we would feel a lil tension here and there, but its safe to say, we are pretty okay.

and tomorrow would be our 400th day together.
time flies huh. :)

duh.
.

.
rest.
i. need. rest.

i wanna sleep one whole day in my room, on my bed. with no care or concern in the world.

.
sleep?
u wanna sleep?
when u die, then u sleep! all u want!

.
i just stumbled into a facebook group in the name of saving kampung selak kain, or kampung buangkok, the last kampung in singapore. . other than ubin, if that can still be counted.

click this link. i find this very interesting. almost made me wanna go down there right now and capture some scenes, only stopped by me realising its already 1036pm.

.
ok2. i think im finishing soon.
here are some way overdue pics. :) enjoy. ouh. and beware. i think there are a couple pics down below which will make yr eyes go wider, at least. :P

"she did it!"

"hah! main dengan makanan lagi!"

"oooh!"

"lectured"

"fascination?"

"oh yes.i will drink you!"

"on one of doz white balls floating in front of the esplanade on new year"

"my turn"

"her turn"

"smiles!"

*love*

zesty.

its already the 9th day of the new year, and im still feeling zesty.
though much hasnt changed, i cant help but feel that there is this certain buzz surrounding me.
for one, im feeling much more enthusiastic about things.

isit due to me being back in NTUMS activities?
or was it the resoluteness in ensuring positive change, after seeing my results and my current CGPA right in front of my face.
(ouh. i only got to know of the "degree audit" link this week)
nothing beats the f-ed up feeling of seeing yr grades slip, aint it?

a new year, a new beginning. changes.

a new year for nur and me.
and yesterday, we had an impromptu date.
after sch/work, we went to have dinner at breeks marina square.
it was exceptionally different yesterday, and we had fun. even though it was a bit too early to be letting our hair down for the week la kan.
thing is, we were very much ourselves, and it was so unlike the last year, where we were still grappling with one another.
we did things we wudnt do on a so-called date of the conventional sense.
like what? let us be the only ones who know abt it.
ouh, and we played with our food...
"the straw which had solidified chocolate in it."
"the fondue"
"that green thing in my mango goldilocks"
.
not forgetting the guest appearance from an old fren of mine. haha.
"khairi? khairi?"
.
we headed down to mustafa.
where i got myself some things.
and where we almost got into a fight. *again*
and where she couldnt stand the smell. but really, id think its juz a matter of getting used to it.
:P kan nur?

soon, claustrophobia got the better of both of us, and the night ended with her sleeping in my arms.

perfect.
.

new year, new beginning.
hopefully, this zesty feeling lasts.
long.

last.entry.2008

even with all the chaos and the uncertainty, and of course, not to mention the unintentional inertia of non-movement that plagues me every now and then, i think it is safe to say that i am pretty comfortable with myself.

the year was alright.
the highs and lows, all there.

but somehow, none seems to be bearing much of a significance that i can easily pull out of my memory glands at the current moment as i am typing this.

ok. no. i lied.

here are some things.

1. i lost some friends, or rather, they lost me.
2. my studies werent outstanding nor glowing. juz afloat.
3. my faith is still on a standstill, even after that phase recently where i really thought there wasnt a point to anything at all. now, at times where i thought i knew, moments later, i cannot be so sure.
4. i got myself a part-time job at starbucks, driven by the hints and wants of two ladies in my life whom i know care much abt me, mama & nur.
5. my family accepting the fact that their son has a special someone in his life, and happier still, when mama gets to know nur a little bit better.
6. i found new friends along the way. another quirky bunch, but the last lesson taught me certain things, and knowing that ive this habit of handling too many things at one go, i hope nothing untoward will happen.
7. i got addicted to facebook. especially gangster battle and mafia wars. why. oh why???
8. nur and myself get to know one another better. it has been a year, and though peppered with the occasional flare-ups and disagreements, both of us are still deeply in love with each other.

as with other years, i hope 2009 will be a better one.
it better be.

:)

my wishlist, and resolution, will be jotted down in my journal.
yes.
ive a journal. aka organiser.

next year will be a more organised one for me.

so many plans, so many things to do, yet so little time.

past

we build on past experiences, to define our present.
without all that we felt, saw, hear or read previously, we will not have any basis present to form the roots of our judgments.
what if all that we know, is being challenged by a more authoritative figure, for example, the government?
education in schools, is just another form of propaganda mechanism, and the past that we know it, is being challenged, with textbooks saying that it happened the other way.
if that is to really happen, would you question yourself and your sanity, or would u dare speak up against it?

since the past do not exist, and perhaps, by the grounds of technicality, may never have, then who's to say, what really happened?

truth and knowledge, theyre relative.
only based on what u believe in, be it rational or spiritual.
hold on to them dearly.
coz when something robs it from u, consider yrself gone too.

comma

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

brown.chick

i made her sit on the concrete floor, juz for this picture, which for me, is one of the most beautiful pictures ive ever taken.

lawa kan?

:)

.
the greatest storm comes just before the calm.

witch

You Are a Witch (or Warlock)

You are deviously brilliant and a perfect manipulator. You somehow always end up getting what you want - without anyone knowing you're working behind the scenes. Crafty and cunning, you can work your way out of any jam. And it's easy for you to get people to do what you want, whether you're working for good or evil. Your greatest power: Mind control Your greatest weakness: Making people your puppets You play well with: Ghosts

What Kind of Monster Are You?

sloshed.

"sloshed"

this word caught my eye in the front page of a local tabloid some time back recently.
it was featuring the habit of party-goers being drunk and paralysed right after one of the major beach parties singapore can offer...
it being an ugly sight and detrimental to the well-being of themselves, and all.

the verb caught my eye, due to its auditory effect of its pronunciation which hints to its meaning instantly in my head.
the first thing that came to mind was slurpee.
u noe, the blended drink that was made famous by its brain-freeze ad while we were young.
i remember in primary school, i used to head down to a nearby 7-11 which juz opened, just to get my hands on a cup of slurpee. or that small cup of mr softee, which has died out.

slurpee, becoz... to me its the sound or sensation that u will experience when u attempt to stir a cup of slurpee substance, or mr softee.

.
brain-freezed.
slow-mode-ish.
but without its colorful flavors.

that is what im feeling rite now.
sloshed.

im drained.
mentally, and physically.

not that i was busy with anything specific in particular, but perhaps its the amount of transit from point a to point b that gets me exhausted the most.

its mind-numbing.
its when emptiness will reek in, and your existence juz gets insulated by the dusty and crowded confines of the bus/mrt, while u see the rest of the world passing by.

its not a conducive environment to get the badly needed 40winks or even a decent chat with anyone that happens to be with u, especially in buses.

if u got a seat, ud always have to be on the look-out for the elderly, less abled, with two- bodied, just so to avoid the silent criticism from the glaring of other passengers.

it gets better when u play a game with yrself of gauging the age and efficiency of a seemingly old person in front of u.
.

perhaps the reason im quite sloshed rite now, even though its been 6 hrs since i had reached home from my graveyard shift, is also due to the relatively long period of time since i ever did something which i enjoy so much.

one thing, ive been away from my love for a quite a while now.
and another thing, we have not been spending enough quality time together.

another factor is due to my highly critical status of my financial situation.
*sigh*
thinking abt it makes me lose my appetite, and even the will to just go out.

no money, no honey.
simple rule.

this is juz another effect of reification, where how we see the value of time and the tasks that we do, being merely measured and dependent by the value of money.

.
slave to the system.
urgh.
im being exploited, and its not a gd feeling.

im not talking abt the corporation im working for, but rather, im referring to the whole system that we are bounded by as a whole.

the individual in me is exhausted.
he needs some time to recuperate, but im not sure when can he, especially with the school term coming up, and in hand are a couple of humanitarian project to contend himself with.

.
ouh. i wanna bowl.
i miss bowling.
before i started my journey home, me in my sloshed mind, managed to bring up the possibility of having a bowling session with 2 of my colleagues in JB, who happen to love bowling too, but has not indulged in the sport for quite a while now.

the idea is still in its infancy.
and i fancy it being realised only after my next pay comes in, and that is already when school has re-opened.

school.
aiyah.
im worried for my grades.
last sem was bad. very bad.
enough said.
.

sloshed.
from the worrying.
and everything else that comes in between.

someone pls bring me the remedy.

.
i miss u, nur.
i really do.
:(

when can we have our own time coming?...

.dah. aku nak mandi skrng.

ouh. and sloshed, according to dictonary.com

slosh -
v. tr.

1. To spill or splash (a liquid) copiously or clumsily: slosh paint on the floor.
2. To agitate in a liquid: slosh clothes in a solution of bleach and detergent.

v. intr.
To splash, wade, or flounder in water or another liquid: sloshed through the creek.
n.

1. Slush.
2. The sound of splashing liquid.

sloshed -
adj. Slang
Intoxicated; drunk.

yakking.

it is only when things are turning out for the worse, or when the end is very much in sight, would we start to regret on the things that we have done or should have done.

why do we not contemplate right at the beginning?

isit the at-the-moment impulse, or are we really that short-sighted.

some of us do things, that we know harm ourselves or the people around us that matters.

take drinking, smoking, or even the general phenomena of global pollution.

we know that its wrong, and detrimental, and yet we still do it.

the apathetic side in all of us are apparent to see.

some who are optimistic enough would maintain that values and principles still hold.

but on which or whose grounds that it rightfully remain so?

we disparage those who smoke, citing second hand smoke as harmful to the body.

but what about smoke continuously coming out of vehicles or factories, isnt it as bad too?

or, how about us yakking so much on the environment and the need to go green, but at the same time, we drool at the sight of a branded item on the shelf that has "new arrival" on it, even though we do not need it. the current home at home is left wasted, piling up dust.

the need for that instant gratification is very much apparent, implicit or explicit.

we do not care where it came from, or how it was made, so long as our slimy fingers can get a hold of it.

hypocrisy is wrong? ... yet we barely bat an eyelid when innocents die from a stray bullet in a desert civilisation, but when someone from our own nation who holds a high qualification gets to be the victim, the mourning went like there wasnt to be a tomorrow.

.
my mind is rather racing and pacing, and i know, whatever above seem barely coherent or comprehensible.

perhaps im irritated that i have to get out of my house again tonight.

to become a slave to the system for a few hours while everyone else gets to dream a lil something...
.

one.year

my mini floorball journey ended today.
we reached the semis.
alas, NIE was indeed the better team.
while we won and not concede any goals for the earlier preliminary matches, we were taught a great deal of the flair and skill needed to ace in floorball by the learning teachers.

and our huddle was like this...
"what team? HSS!
what team? HSS!
hey.. SA~!"
which left me a couple of seconds deaf.

.
sounds familiar?
yeah. the spirit-lifter for the wildcats in HSM.

thanks to who?
:P

it was our 1st anniversary of us together yesterday.
duly marked by a heart...
a simple gesture, but not without its meaning.

no matter how far the distance,
how bitter some issues may be...

my heart is still hers, so long as she bothers to keep it. kan syg?

:)

i love you.