22nd.birthday

so... today is the day that i turn 22.

honestly, i still do not know what exactly to type out here.

am i supposed to say what are the things i have accomplished?

or say what i hope to accomplish in the future?
it is not that important to state it out here aint it.

perhaps people who matter would have a rough inkling to what i would want to achieve.

now im on my bed still.
and ... just idling.
a luxury that only some right now can afford.

no. im not selling grapes. im merely... taking time off.
.
the last few days, or weeks, have been a blur to me.
turbulent moments most of the time.

and my mind wasnt at ease.
theres always something that i would be thinking, or worrying about.

i dont hafta mention about sch and my work.
those are normal things that people worry of.

it is the other things that im pre-occupied or at least do some re-thinking about.
my relationships with others outside to myself.
with everyone around me.

yes. everyone. from my family, to Nur, to my mates at NTU, to everyone else that knows me.


in recent months, i had the unfortunate luck of putting myself vulnerable to the act of others surrounding me.

my worth of value to others would be glared at me, and most of the time, the result aint so good.
or rather, from my own view of expectations.

i dont know.
i really dont know.

i wish to be nonchalant about it.
but i cant.

its like u noe u need them, but at times u feel like u can really make do without them.
especially when u haf fights or arguments or misunderstandings, and when it threatens to boil out from the kettle, either u pull the leash, and give in. or u put down a stand, and see wherever the spill brings u.

thing is, im really really getting sick of pleasing others and not getting the reciprocation from it.
im sick of getting disappointed.
honestly.

or are my expectations too high???
no. i dont think so.
please me, and ill please you.
u scratch my back, and ill scratch yours.

isnt the equation simple.
for some, the line isnt so clear, sadly.

the scars are already there, etched, and clearly to stay, definitely.

now.

love.
whats love?

honestly now. i am not so sure anymore.

isit embodied in the concept of sacrifice for another.?
or a solution of convenience, just so u wont feel lonely?
or perhaps the cynic in me might say, its an excuse to enslave others for the benefit of your own gratification.

really, i seem to haf nearly lost the pure concept for it, if theres any at all even.
not just in the sense of romantic partnership, but also in the generic sense of your attitude towards others.
i dont understand it fully.

all i know rite now, its that mere feeling of longing, and appreciation for the presence of someone, because u think he/she can give u that higher sense of "high".

but surely there are more to that than that.

should love be exclusive, or not? i tot so.
is a sense of commitment necessary? i tot that so too.
is love supposed to hurt? if its yes, well, then people all around must be sick in the head indulge in such a painful form of pleasure.

u can say ive almost become an empty shell.
show me "love", and ill reflect back the love that u show to me.

i need someone to fill me up.
coz my fuletank has become empty.
my humane side is becoming much and much more distant from everything else and floating in a vacuum, with juz nothingness and inconsequence defining my thoughts.

i dont need someone to hurt me.

instead...

i need a saviour from all these confusion and mindlessness.

i need someone to love me absolutely, to save me from this darkness.
i need someone that love me enough, to bring back the smile on my face.
i need someone who can accept me the way i am.
i need someone to teach me how to love properly.

.

if not, i can only wish i am dead.
oh no. theres God. so i cant just kill myself.
i hafta carry out enough good deeds.
if not, ill go to Hell.
Eternal damnation.
simple, aint it.

.

Happy 22nd Birthday Khairi...

@>/--

*and yes. thank you for the well-wishes ppl*

.
(if i receive any response from anyone that this entry is offensive (which i really think is not), out of a mere random consideration, i shall pull this out from publication, and just save this under drafts at blogger, for my own private viewing record.)
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