every.moment.counts

Hola!~ :)

Pic taken by Weia. while chilling at east coast with fini and her geng.

the dam broke.
and in the comfort of who else, but her. wifey. nur.

the rush of emotions which was perhaps just begging to be out, was almost orgasmic.
and i did wonder how come it did not come out sooner.

the personal turmoil i was in, left me whimpering like a lost puppy in search for its mummy.

and the triggering effect?

another one of our classic typical quarrels, which like the previous times, i wasnt sure of how it was going to end.

the day surprisingly started off brightly.

was on my typical saturday morning shift, two days after my birthday.

during my break, i saw her. and instantaneously, my mood lifted. we exchanged gifts. and admittedly, emotions between the two of us were at an all-time high.

yes. there were happy tears. :) and no guessing for how my mood was like for the remainder of my shift.

later in the day though, the fateful stormy clouds rolled by.

and as mentioned, it manifested in the typical way, and somehow, deep inside me, i couldnt stand it.

i told her. everything.
and i was ugly.

but the thing is, i felt good after that.
and i could see how relieved she was, after hearing me out.

im glad.
because she understood.
and she was patient.

and after that, it seemed like i was falling in love with her all over again.

the breaking of fast session at breeks with two other couples friends of hers was a-okay.

and in between, we sneaked each other glances of both want, and coyness.

us. while waiting for the beatbox gig at outdoor.theater

us. with hada&suf, shima&up

i loved that.

.

she also made me a slide video.
with these words,

"There's nothing more i can do to tell you how much i love you...
You're my love, my heart and my soul...
9 things i love about you
Your sweet smiles
Your ooh soo sweet "muncung"
When you do those cute faces of yours
ooh.. so seductive eyes!!
And the list shall go on and on..
and on and on and on
i love the way you smile when we took pictures..
i love it when our cheeks meet..
i love it when you hold my hand and look at me in the eyes
i love it when you make me sit close to you...
i love it when i get to be so close to you..
i love it when you actually trusted me to help you overcome your fears..
And i simply love it when you look so innocent..
Thank you for your love, care and concern all these while.
It's been a great 9 months with you...
I have always loved you with all my heart.
And i am going to love you for the rest of my life...
For you, i will..
Happy 9th Months, and Happy 22nd Birthday.
I love you forever, and till death do us part.
For you, i will.."

in my starbucks limited edition journal. :)
see the words printed.

"today is the day.
make every moment count"

simple enough right.
but it holds a very useful advice.

treasure the moments with your loved ones, as if those moments would be your last.
you'll never know when they will go away.
its easy to take for granted each other, amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
and that is why conscious effort is needed.
so that they will know that you still care for them.
best option is of coz, is through more than words.
and fortunately for me and nur, we managed to remind this to each other.
hey. even the best of us make mistakes :P

:)

Nur, thank you for being there.
my love for you is very much strong and burning bright. now, and god-willing, forever.

thank you my friends, for offering to lend me their listening ear.
appreciate it. very much.

take care all.
mwahs2!

230908/2359

on a sidenote...
wifey nur is shortlisted as one of those running for title of Muslimah Anggun for an online Islam website. (Elegant Muslim Lady)

though she is already my Muslimah Anggun, do vote for her k k k? :)

22nd.birthday

so... today is the day that i turn 22.

honestly, i still do not know what exactly to type out here.

am i supposed to say what are the things i have accomplished?

or say what i hope to accomplish in the future?
it is not that important to state it out here aint it.

perhaps people who matter would have a rough inkling to what i would want to achieve.

now im on my bed still.
and ... just idling.
a luxury that only some right now can afford.

no. im not selling grapes. im merely... taking time off.
.
the last few days, or weeks, have been a blur to me.
turbulent moments most of the time.

and my mind wasnt at ease.
theres always something that i would be thinking, or worrying about.

i dont hafta mention about sch and my work.
those are normal things that people worry of.

it is the other things that im pre-occupied or at least do some re-thinking about.
my relationships with others outside to myself.
with everyone around me.

yes. everyone. from my family, to Nur, to my mates at NTU, to everyone else that knows me.


in recent months, i had the unfortunate luck of putting myself vulnerable to the act of others surrounding me.

my worth of value to others would be glared at me, and most of the time, the result aint so good.
or rather, from my own view of expectations.

i dont know.
i really dont know.

i wish to be nonchalant about it.
but i cant.

its like u noe u need them, but at times u feel like u can really make do without them.
especially when u haf fights or arguments or misunderstandings, and when it threatens to boil out from the kettle, either u pull the leash, and give in. or u put down a stand, and see wherever the spill brings u.

thing is, im really really getting sick of pleasing others and not getting the reciprocation from it.
im sick of getting disappointed.
honestly.

or are my expectations too high???
no. i dont think so.
please me, and ill please you.
u scratch my back, and ill scratch yours.

isnt the equation simple.
for some, the line isnt so clear, sadly.

the scars are already there, etched, and clearly to stay, definitely.

now.

love.
whats love?

honestly now. i am not so sure anymore.

isit embodied in the concept of sacrifice for another.?
or a solution of convenience, just so u wont feel lonely?
or perhaps the cynic in me might say, its an excuse to enslave others for the benefit of your own gratification.

really, i seem to haf nearly lost the pure concept for it, if theres any at all even.
not just in the sense of romantic partnership, but also in the generic sense of your attitude towards others.
i dont understand it fully.

all i know rite now, its that mere feeling of longing, and appreciation for the presence of someone, because u think he/she can give u that higher sense of "high".

but surely there are more to that than that.

should love be exclusive, or not? i tot so.
is a sense of commitment necessary? i tot that so too.
is love supposed to hurt? if its yes, well, then people all around must be sick in the head indulge in such a painful form of pleasure.

u can say ive almost become an empty shell.
show me "love", and ill reflect back the love that u show to me.

i need someone to fill me up.
coz my fuletank has become empty.
my humane side is becoming much and much more distant from everything else and floating in a vacuum, with juz nothingness and inconsequence defining my thoughts.

i dont need someone to hurt me.

instead...

i need a saviour from all these confusion and mindlessness.

i need someone to love me absolutely, to save me from this darkness.
i need someone that love me enough, to bring back the smile on my face.
i need someone who can accept me the way i am.
i need someone to teach me how to love properly.

.

if not, i can only wish i am dead.
oh no. theres God. so i cant just kill myself.
i hafta carry out enough good deeds.
if not, ill go to Hell.
Eternal damnation.
simple, aint it.

.

Happy 22nd Birthday Khairi...

@>/--

*and yes. thank you for the well-wishes ppl*

.
(if i receive any response from anyone that this entry is offensive (which i really think is not), out of a mere random consideration, i shall pull this out from publication, and just save this under drafts at blogger, for my own private viewing record.)
1347/180986

fuck-glory-shit

I AM NOT FEELING FINE.
AND
I AM DEFINITELY NOT OKAY.

NOTHING WENT RIGHT TODAY.
.
.


i need to de-stress.
.
!!!

.

bah.

ano-me

0256hrs.
i am still awake.
and i cannot sleep.
my mind is travelling, yet it came back to where it started.
rationality.
faith.
love.
ideas.
are they real.
or just.
illusions.
god forgot to lock 1 devil in this holy month,
and that 1 devil is in me.
how do i trust that whatever happens is for the good,
and in plan,
when we are given the freedom of choice.
or is the plan not fixed.
emotions make us human.
yet, they are the bane of our existence.
we break down when we seemingly cant hold on,
and we run amok when we are robbed.
people, things.
we posses them.
nothingness,
is insanity.
when you dont own anything, youre not tied down.
see.
i told you.
now, can you still bear with me.
or should you just keep my body,
but throw my brains out.
cause after all, that thing left would still be...
me.
0305hrs.

red.ants

a shot taken by my N78.

yey. im seeing nur today.
yet i think i may be breaking fast alone. :(

red.&.pink

being to honest to oneself is the minimal form of dignity that a person can ever offer to his/her self.

.
i smiled.
i teased.
i held your hands tight.
for you.

but you could see it in my eyes.
in my forlorn expression.
in eyes that bear the void of emptiness.

that there was something wrong.
but you didnt know what.
and i didnt know what.

but i was happy being by your side.
even though little was exchanged,
even though both of us were exhausted.

u, physically.
me, mentally.

for a while, i was on cloud nine. having your head, against my shoulder.
and
i couldnt stop myself caressing the skin of yr face while u were asleep.

...
but...

as tonight wears on, i realise what was haunting me.
memories of yesterday nite still lingers on.
the nightmare was too much too bear.

...

admittedly, now im seemingly the weaker one.
would u hold me tight and forever stay, or would u one day let me go ... & turn away?

.
its already september.
and yeah. its already my 2nd entry for the month?

so this is what i feel without the devil hovering above me.

angst?

so its been awhile.

there are moments outside, when thoughts of the environment surrounding my being, and of particular observations, will make me pause, and sum up a form of conclusion or theory to what i have just witnessed.

or feel.

and then i would tell myself to blog about it.

or at least, to record it all down, so that it could be made as a form of muse, or reflections, or at least, to remind myself that i have a valid past, and that i can remember them.

but no.
i'd end up not doing so by the time i got my hands logged onto the net.
why?

i dont know why.
perhaps its my other being in me, which do not seem to recognise the point of it all.
this blog thing.

.
hm.

thing is.
i miss her.

and i miss myself.

self?
who's got a self nowadays.

we do not own ourselves.

unknowingly, we are slaves.

slaves to the system.
slaves to money.
slaves to school/work/ and whatever shitload ideas u might have.

wait. why this angst.
its all a struggle really.
and over time, the frustration builds into you.

hm.

ok2.
its ramadhan now.

and becoz i believe there is a God, and that there is Heaven and Hell, i am still alive.

if not, i would haf juz let myself fall off the bridge connecting NTU and NIE and let tt double decker go through me, while im mid-air.
(yes. tt would need some impeccable timing)
(i'll haf myself a knife juz in case im still breathing, k)

only my faith can guide me.

and no.
i wont be like my atheist tutor.

.
Enjoy the Ramadhan people, and when it comes to deeds and whatsnot, now is the time to get greedy.

and yes.
juz chill when the odds are all set against u.

.
ouh.
did i mention how much i miss her.

:(

.
but wait.
i should also mention this.

i love her.

:)

just before we watched 4bia yesterday.